My friend Erica came to me asking for advise on online dating. Her problem wasn’t men contacting her. Messages filled her inbox. They ran the gammet. A few men wrote her novels. Some asked a question. Others simply wrote ‘hello.’ The ones she was interested in, she responded to thoughtfully.

The problem was, many times, these men who initially contacted her, never wrote her back. Or, she found herself doing all the work. The ones who did write her back would continue to quiz her. She had a hard time telling how interested any of these men really were in her.

I broke it to Erica: almost all the one-line messages she received where canned lines that these men sent to hundreds of women. Men play by the numbers online, casting their net wide, while, there was Erica pouring over Nick from North Hollywood’s profile, obsessing over his six things he can’t live without. Nick might have sent Erica a quick ‘hello,’ but how many other women did he send that to? And of those that responded to Nick, how many did he reply to? How many did he actually intend to ask out on a date? Was he really interested in Erica? Did he read her profile? Did he think they had stuff in common? Or was she just one of the many‘takers’ who fell for his mass messaging scheme?

How do you know if a guy is really interested in you online?

The truth is most men don’t read girl’s profiles. Maybe 10% of men skim. One percent might do it sober before 2am (kidding).

I know what you’re thinking: why bother pumping out a couple paragraphs if 90% of men aren’t reading profiles anyways? Why not tell Erica to add a few boob shots and hope for the best? Because I know there are quality men out there genuinely interested in Erica, and you, and there is an quick and easy way to discover if the men contacting you are quality men that are truly interested in getting to know YOU.

In my course Real Men In, I have a whole section devoted to meeting men online. And I share a few online bloopers for your entertainment. I also have a newsletter dedicated specifically to helping you write a kick ass online profile. But there is one thing that you can do today, that I shared with Erica, to weed out the mass messagers and test a man’s level of interest.

We are going to use a form of compliance test. A compliance test is a small request or series of requests that a man must follow to earn a girl’s approval. It tells a woman if a man is willing to follow the rules. It’s done by a woman to gauge the man’s level of interest. A guy who is mildly interested might not ‘comply.’ A guy who’s very interested will ‘comply’ with her suggestions.

Compliance tests shift the power dynamic of the interaction in a woman’s favor. Here’s why. The idea behind compliance is that if you get someone to invest time and effort, they not only will give you a genuine signal that you can trust, but they will rationalize their decision to choose you to themselves, and see you as higher value because they had to work a little harder.

The idea behind compliance is that if you get someone to invest time and effort, they not only will give you a genuine signal that you can trust, but they will rationalize their decision to choose you to themselves, and see you as higher value because they had to work a little harder.

So here’s how we’re going to use a compliance test online.

I want you to bury a compliance question in profile. Don’t start your profile off with the question. Don’t end with the request. Don’t place it in the ‘Message Me If’ section. Don’t reward the skimmers. Hide it within one of your answers like a quirky, little last minute addition. Although this question’s ability is far more than afterthought.

A compliance question is anything you are asking a man to answer and he must answer in order for you to contact him back. This stipulation filters out the men who actually read your profile and are interested in contacting YOU, from those who just contacted a slew of women based on their profile pictures or are sending out mass messages to hundreds of females. Just by glancing at a guy’s reply, based on his answer or non-answer, you will know if the guy is good at following directions and is willing to invest time and effort in getting to know you specifically. All good qualities in a future partner.

It is imperative that you start your question by laying down the ground rules. You want to ensure your visitors are clear that you will ONLY write back the men who comply. Write:

“I only respond to men who answer this question.”

Then challenge guys with a question that shows off your playful, fun and witty nature, but is also something that they must put a little bit of elbow grease into answering. When deciding which question to include, think about qualities you’d like in a guy, interests you’re passionate about, or what things you value. Keep this exercise light. You want to give men a little taste of your wit and personality. But you don’t want to make it seem like you are screening for a husband or sugar daddy. Here’s a few examples of the types of questions I recommend:

You could choose a question that clues you into a guy’s interests, preferences and personality, such as:

 “What’s the worst band you’ve ever seen in concert?”

“If you could time travel anywhere right now where would you go?”

“Which side are you taking on this bacon craze?”

You could create a conundrum to test a dude’s creativity and sense of humor:

 “Why are Smurfs blue?”

“What happened to the tan M&M?”

“Which cereal mascot do you most identify with?”

“I’m really struggling with a good name for a pet Velociraptor? Suggestions?”

You might use this opportunity to identify men with similar interests. I’m an avid reader and big Kurt Vonneget fan so I could quiz him on some Cat’s Cradle lingo to see if my gentleman suitor is well read:

“What do you know about Bokononism?”

Or, here’s your chance to challenge him with a task:

“I have an affinity towards wacky words. I make up words. I’ll attach ‘y’s’ onto all sorts of things. Vintage-y. Shout-y. I will only respond to men who can play a little game with me. Make up a word, tell me it’s definition and, and then use it in a sentence.”

How do you know if a guy is really interested in you online? Compliance questions screen for interested responders. The interested responders carefully read your profile and craft a unique message.

A guy will think about you longer if he takes the 3 to 5 minutes to answer your compliance question.     

Compliance questions act like spring boards for interesting banter.

His answers will give you a small taste of his interests, sense of humor, and imagination. This can further help you decide who you choose to message back.

Finally, asking questions with personality pique a man’s curiosity. Who doesn’t want to meet the girl pondering over pet Velociraptor names?