Have you ever dated a guy and thought things were going great, but then he stopped calling, and you didn’t know why? You felt like you screwed it up. You wished you could have done things differently. What did you do wrong? Why didn’t he chose you? What are the real reasons men cut women lose? What are men really looking for?
When I asked my girlfriends why they decided not to give a guy a second chance, they rattled off a mile long list of specific and even somewhat ridiculous complaints:
He didn’t hold her car door open
He arrived wearing a basketball jersey
He didn’t buy her drinks
He didn’t seem that motivated at his job
He smoked too much
He wasn’t funny enough
Smart enough
Successful enough
He laughed like a braying donkey (yes, this was actually a deal breaker for her, my friend said she avoided jokes for the rest of the date)
When I asked my guy friends why they decided not to ask a girl out again, at first they hesitated. They all said something like, “I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t feel it.” I needed to delve deeper to discover the truth. And I found it was much more straight forward.
They had three main reasons they stopped seeing a girl:
1.) She wasn’t cool enough
2.) She wasn’t hot enough
3.) She was a little too eager
It was obvious that my guy friends, unlike my girlfriends, didn’t spend hours overanalyzing the pros and cons of each romantic possibility. A man’s decision came down to his gut reaction: would he rather spend a Friday night with you or his friends. If he thought you were sexy, if he has a good time with you, if he didn’t feel pressured, he was going you out again.
Men don’t fear relationships. They fear getting roped into any obligation they feel wasn’t their own idea; they fear any commitment with no passion or adventure. The truth is 97.5% of men are ready for a relationship. I’ve known my fair share of players and pickup artists. And they’ll tell you the same thing I’m going to tell you. Men might date several women at once, but it’s only because they have not met the right woman they’re looking for.
Men Want a Woman Who’s Cool
When men talk about girl they think is cool they talk about her with a wistful smile. There’s just a certain positive energy that men can’t put their finger on that draws them in and makes her irresistible. She brings new ideas to the table. She’s feisty. And unpredictable. And has a great sense of humor. She leaves her insecurities at home, she’s fully engaged and enjoys the moment. She creates an experience men want to have over and over again.
While women like to talk and connect emotionally on hopes and dreams and feelings, men crave action, excitement and play. They don’t want to sit around talking, they want to go out and experience things. Men fall in love with with the way a girl makes them feel. If you make a guy feel good, he’ll want to see you again.
A man keeps dating a girl who intrigues him and keeps things playful, flirty, light and fun. He chooses to get serious with his partner in crime.
Men like adventure and freedom and don’t want to feel they are losing that excitement and spontaneity once they enter a relationship. They don’t want partnering up to mean getting the white picket fence house in the suburbs, driving the kids to soccer practice, and never doing anything interesting ever again. Men look for a girl who loves life, says ‘yes’ to trying new things and won’t let their life grow stale even as they age. A man keeps dating a girl who intrigues him and keeps things playful, flirty, light and fun. He chooses to get serious with his partner in crime.
What you can do:
Go out and do fun things with a guy. Try new activities. Switch your routine up. Hit up an old school arcade and challenge him to a game of Street Fighter. Be sarcastic. Make up little games. Chase him down the street. Strap on a pair of bowling shoes and hit the lanes. Suggest a fun activity like a sporting event, amusement park, mountain bike ride or concert.
Strive to create an positive experience. Don’t act bitchy, overly judgmental, dramatic, or moody. A guy isn’t your therapist. He certainly won’t feel good, he’ll feel drained, if you’re constantly dwelling on the negative. Gauge your audience and relate your conversations to things he’ll find interesting. Avoid babbling on and on about something a guy doesn’t care about. He doesn’t mind hearing about your chihuahua Daisy’s latest caper, just not for two hours.
Men Want a Woman They’re Attracted To
Most women assume all men want to date someone skinny and flawless with Scarlett Johansson’s pout. But real men, the men you want to date, want a woman who’s healthy, confident, and rocks her own style. You don’t need to look like a super model, each man has their own physical type, but every man wants a woman he’s proud to be with and is excited to show off to his friends. If his girl’s attractive it gives a guy a little extra confident skip in his step. He’s thinking: I’m the f’n man! I’m one of life’s winners!
My friend Jim said it best, “She’s gotta be cute. I gotta want to have sex with her. The sex has gotta be good.” Sexual chemistry is non-negotiable. A man doesn’t want a girl who lies there like a cold fish, mentally conducting her to-do list. Or one that makes it look like a blow job is a painful obligation. Or a girl who fakes it until he commits. Or one who feels its natural and ok for their sex life fade over time. A guy wants a girl who’s just as into him.
Men dream of the kind of sex that makes them forget other women exist. The sex they use as a highlight reel when you’re away. The kind of sex where you both call in sick, lie in bed all day eating Reese’s Cups.
What you can do:
One of a man’s biggest turn ons is a woman’s sexual confidence. Honestly a guy is just so stoked he’s having sex; he hopes you’re stoked too. If you want to take it slow, you won’t turn a guy off. The only thing that is going to turn a guy off is a your own self consciousness. He thinks your beautiful. He isn’t judging you.
One of a man’s biggest turn ons is a woman’s sexual confidence.
Nervous fear is the only thing that kills the mood. When a girl stiffens up or acts frigid, men jump to the conclusion that she doesn’t like him or he’s doing something wrong. Be upfront with a guy on any worries you might have. If he catches you in granny panties, or you forgot to shave your armpits last night, laugh it off, it’s no big deal. Leave your insecurities at home, relish the early days, and have a good time.
Men Want a Woman Who’s Laid Back and Has Her Own Life
My friend Martin told me, “I once dated a girl, who after only one date was already trying to make plans with me for two different days the following week.” Martin didn’t feel good about spending time with her, he felt pressured, he felt smothered. He slammed on the brakes. Two days was too much too soon so of course he flaked on her.
Guys need to feel like they’re pursing you, not the other way around. Many women, after seeing a guy only a few times, start to get the Disneyland pinwheel eyes. They dream of all the wonderful trips they’ll take! The presents he’ll buy them! Aunt Edna will just love him! A girl gets too serious too soon. She doesn’t see the situation for what it ‘is,’ but for what it ‘could be.’ When a guy doesn’t live up to her fantasy expectations she becomes frustrated or angry or confused. Afraid she’ll lose a guy she becomes clingy before he’s even made an emotional connection.
Laid back chicks go with the flow. They don’t bring stress or drama. They don’t rush things or expect too much too soon. They give a relationship time to develop.
They’re flexible about plans. They have their own fulfilling lives and obligations going on outside of dating so it’s no big deal if a guy doesn’t invite them to something or they have to turn down a date because they have a prior engagement.
Men like easy going girls because they don’t guilt or obligate him into hanging out. They figure men can make up their own minds. They know they’re amazing. They don’t need to tell a guy that. They give a guy time to discover that all on his own. They let it seem like his idea to take their relationship to the next level.
What you can do:
In those early stages, men don’t do things because they feel pressured or obligated. They spend time with you out of their own selfish desires.
Give a man what I call ‘space to stray.’ Calling, texting, sending him little gifts won’t make a man fall in love with you. Guilting a man only works in the short run. Guys don’t know why it is, but when something is pushed on them it’s no longer appealing. A woman can kill attraction if she’s trying too hard to get him to like her or if she’s getting too clingy to soon. In her mind, she’s already in a relationship. To a guy, they’ve just begun; he hasn’t had enough time to create an emotional connection. A man needs to come to you on his own accord, not because you’re prodding him or making him feel bad. Let a man pace the relationship so he has time to catch up to you emotionally. Let him take the lead and chase you. All you have to do is show your appreciation.
A woman can kill attraction if she’s trying too hard to get him to like her or if she’s getting too clingy to soon.
Don’t give up your life for a guy. Lots of women have great lives, but as soon as they meet a guy, they “disappear” into a relationship. They put all their focus into trying to please him. They forfeit friends, hobbies and all their spare time.
Scarcity makes you a thousand times more attractive. If a man has to work harder to see you, he’s going to value your time together and make your dates a bigger priority.
Have your own interests, hobbies and friends outside of dating. Do new interesting activities every week. Make him a little jealous of all the fabulous and exciting things you’re doing. Make him wish he was a part of your life.
Learn more in my book Real Men In.
