My boyfriend was dating five other women when I first started seeing him. He was very upfront and honest about this fact, being a guy even a bit proud of it. He’d been living this lifestyle for many years. He’d meet a girl and get really excited at first. But then after a while he’d meet another girl and get excited about her too and his interest in the last girl would wane. Even though he had good chemistry with most of these girls, they couldn’t hold his interest for long. It wasn’t a lifestyle he was unhappy with. He was open to a relationship, but he admitted, it would take a very special girl to make him want to commit to sleeping with one woman and one woman only.
“I don’t know what it was but I kept coming back to you in my head,” my boyfriend told me in retrospect. “I’d plan to go out with one of the other girls but then, compared to you, she didn’t seem as exciting an option. You had an elevated status above the others. You were way cooler. You kept the excitement alive. I don’t know how you did that. You did something to me that the others didn’t.”
When quizzed, he could never quite pinpoint what I “did to him.” He mythicized my method as though I put a powerful spell on him. Very flattering, yes. But the reality was, my approach to dating and attracting men was far simpler and quite logical – something I call the 3 L Method, which I’ll tell you about in a few minutes.
First you gotta have passion
Read my book, my blog, my newsletters you’ll find I’m the biggest advocate for passion. Compatibility and communication are the necessary elements to a good friendship and partnership, yet we live too long these days to have an intimate relationship with someone without passion. Most people think passion means “Oh my god, I want to fuck you right now.” If we left it at butterflies in the pits of our stomachs and strong sexual feelings we’d be selling passion short. Passion (or what we also call chemistry) is the igniting force of love. The primary ingredient. The compelling enthusiasm that propels someone to want to get strapped in together for life’s greatest adventure – a relationship. It’s the intense feelings that meld two people together until they are 81 on a park bench. Unlike compatibility which builds over time, you either have passion with someone or you don’t. You can’t make someone fall in love with you.
So if you like a guy, how do you know if he feels chemistry with you? How do you know if he has a deeper emotional connection? How do you know he doesn’t just want to have sex with you?
It’s my belief that the best way to know if a man is interested in you is to let him pursue you. If he’s calling you and asking you out, this is a good indiction that he thinks your cool, enjoys spending time with you, likes the way you make him feel, and is attracted to you.
But how do you know if he’s interested on a deeper emotional level?
My 3 L Method consists of 3 steps: Lure, Lust and Love. There are two key signals I tell women to look for that will let them know if a guy is serious. If he’s ready to turn Lust into Love:
1.) He makes plans with you in advance. This means he doesn’t wait until the last minute to ask you out. He doesn’t call you once he’s already out. He definitely does not have you in his late night cue. You are not plan B. You’re his top priority if he’s contacting you days in advance with a time and a place he wants to meet you. Bonus points if he’s making day plans.
2.) He introduces you to his friends. This is a huge! Meeting his close crew, you are handed a pass into his real, everyday life. I used to be an advocate for the romantic table for two date straight out of Lady and the Tramp. Intimate dates are wonderful, you’ll learn a lot about each other, but they won’t indicate if a guy is serious about you. Many men separate dating from their normal life. Many men have secret girlfriends they invite to fancy dinners and exotic trips but would be too embarrassed to introduce to their friends. Believe me, a man’s friends judge him when he brings a girl around. If you meet the friends your man is not only proud to show off how cool and hot you are, but it reveals his excitement to incorporate you into his life as a possible long-term option.
How to Keep Him Interested
My boyfriend and many men I have dated said they choose me because I was a cool girl. It wasn’t that I necessarily was the most physically attractive girl in the room, rather it was something these men couldn’t figure out that made me irresistible – my Lure. A Lure is all the qualities that make you unique and all the things you do that drive a man crazy in lust and want to chase you. It took me years to learn how to craft my lure, but reading my book, I’ll give you the easy actionable steps do it in just a few weeks, maybe even days. Here’s some basic logic behind a good lure.
It’s a myth that you need to be perfect, beautiful and rich to get the respect and love you desire. Men will always chose the interesting woman over the woman who’s too agreeable, too perfect, too nice. Why? If a woman is too high maintenance, he’ll assume she’s insecure and will drain him with her constant need attention. Girls too easy to get, too easy to please, or too eager to please him seem desperate and zap any attraction with their “Please choose me! Please choose me!” attitude.
I approach dating as a happy, strong and confident woman who knows what she wants. I’m the girl who’s life a guy wishes he was a part of. If he wants to be a part of my world, he’s going to have to integrate himself into my life.
I Don’t “Need” A Man
Halle Berry said it well, “The man for me is the cherry on the pie. But I’m the pie and my pie is good all by itself. Even if I don’t have a cherry.”
When you feel incomplete without a guy, men sense your neediness. Nothing kills attraction like neediness and insecurity.The moment you stop needing a man, is the moment a man will come into our life.
That moment arrives once you think differently. Once you feel secure with yourself, take pride in your self worth and make the decision that you won’t settle for less. You have your own full-filling life outside of dating a man. You have a lot to offer. You’re smart, strong and spirited. You have your own goals, great friends, loads of interests and hobbies and talents, and qualities that make you special. Your happiness has nothing to do with a man. You don’t compromise yourself in a relationship. You are responsible for your own happiness.
Something changes in how men look at you once you become a little selfish about your happiness. Instead of wondering “Why doesn’t he like me?” “How can I make him like me?” a strong and confident woman stands up for herself and thinks:
“How do I feel after I hang out with him?”
“Why would I choose this guy over a another man?”
“What’s in this for me?”
She doesn’t audition for a man to like you.
Once you respect yourself enough to know that you deserve love from a higher caliber man, men will respect you too and start falling all over themselves for you. “You had an elevated status above the others,” my boyfriend said. I valued myself and so did he. His respect earned me a spot at the top of his priority list. Strength, confidence, pride, positivity, self-respect, moxie – these are men’s dream qualities in a woman.
These beliefs don’t come overnight, they come with maturity, diligent curiosity, and self elevation. Being a strong and confident woman isn’t about changing who you are, it’s about being honest and proud of who you already are and striving to be the best version of yourself.
I Make Things Fun
Men connect with women they feel good around.
I don’t know about you, but I like to have fun. Fun can be a night out slinging back Moscow Mules and listening to The Smiths. Fun can be an intellectually stimulating debate on Martin Heidegger. Fun can be a Halloween adventure to the local corn maze. Basically, strive to create an experience that men want to have again and again. Keep things flirty and upbeat. Be flexible and laid back. Guys like to hang out with women who they know they’ll have an enjoyable, stress free, positive experience with.
I Keep Things a Mystery
Curiosity is a key ingredient in the concoction of lust, and transformation of those feeling of Lust into intense, bonding Love. Men like to be curious. Keep a small part of you a mystery and you’ll keep him intrigued. Act in a way that shows you have your own full life going on and he’ll need to do a little work to gain access. Remain focused on your own goals. Stay occupied. Don’t cancel girl nights. You don’t need to reply right away to his texts if you’re busy. Having a small part of you he doesn’t know about makes you the more interesting catch.
Most girls, caught up in the excitement, blow up a guy’s phone, check up on him and offer him an all-access passes to their lives. They dote on a man to show how much they care. When you don’t check in with him all the time, when you’re sometimes unavailable, when you’re a little coy, when you don’t show a man how much you care, he’ll start to wonder why you aren’t like all the other girls.
He’s used to reading women easily. But you’re unpredictable. He’ll wonder if you’re interested in him. Why aren’t you more interested? How can he make you more interested? What are you doing that’s so interesting that you’re not calling him back? Soon he’ll be pestering and pursuing you for attention.
Give Him Space to Stray
Some girls will interrogate a guy like the Gestapo to find out who else he’s dating. Some girls will snatch up all his available time. Other girls corner him with the dreaded “talk.” Still more rush or guilt him into a relationship. He might sleep with all of these women for the novelty, but it doesn’t mean he has a future with any of them.
Give a man his freedom. Pressuring a man only works in the short run. At social events, don’t think you need to cling to his side; go ahead and make your rounds and meet people. Don’t spend your time together trying to convince him to be with you. Let him pace the relationship. A man needs to come to you on his own accord, not because you’re prodding him or making him feel bad. Have confidence in yourself. Keep in mind that you’re more interesting than the average girl. He just needs time to discover that for himself.
Even if a man seems fully invested in you after only a few dates, still takes things slow. Good chance he thinks you’re cool, he likes you a lot physically, he likes the idea of you as a girlfriend, he has hopes for the future, but is a few days enough time to form a deep, emotional connection? Not likely.
In the beginning, sit back, relax and enjoy the moment for what it is. Discipline yourself. Be patient. Lust does not become love overnight. Time and space is needed to get over the novelty and become attracted to each other emotionally.
Both men and women like novelty. Think of novelty as initial excitement. Imagine a designer handbag you’ve drooled over. If you went back to the store every week for six months, petted the bag, slung it over your shoulder, imagined the outfits you’d pair it with, and saved penny after penny for it, I’ll bet even after you bought it six months later you’d still love it just as much. There’s a good chance you’d wear it more and value it more because you waited so long and saved up for it. But, what if instead of waiting six months, you splurged and bought the bag immediately? I’ll bet six months later, the initial excitement would probably have worn off and you’d be ogling a new handbag. By instantly gratifying your urge, you didn’t give yourself enough time to really become attached to it.
The difference between a man and woman is the time in which they become emotionally attached.
The difference between a man and woman is the time in which they become emotionally attached. A woman tends to have an emotional connection to a man long before the man has a connection with her. Excited with the possibilities, she has a tendency to build a fantasy in her head. She clings tighter to him. Oh, the wonderful romanic things they will do together! The presents he’ll buy her! The trips they take as a couple! Most likely, the guy is into her, he’s just not emotionally attached yet. She’s become clingy before he’s made an emotional connection.
Wait it out long enough so he has time to catch up to you emotionally. It should seem like his idea to take your relationship to the next level.
I Have A Busy Life and a Guy Isn’t Going to Have Full, Immediate Access
My boyfriend confessed, “In the beginning, I didn’t think you liked me that much. You weren’t as ‘there for me’ as the other girls. You were short on the phone. You didn’t spend the whole weekend with me. You didn’t say you liked me. I didn’t even think you wanted a relationship.”
He was stumped. I wasn’t like the other girls he’s dated. He was right, I wasn’t like them because I wasn’t using something they weren’t – the 3L Method.
In a man’s ideal fantasy he has you whenever he wants you. You’d go out with him on a Friday, have mind-blowing sex, probably snooze for a few hours, partake in a little pillow talk, have more mind-blowing sex, and share breakfast Saturday morning at his favorite diner. Maybe even watch movies Saturday afternoon? Order pizza? Have another romp? Try out that new brunch spot on Sunday?
After spending an entire amazing weekend cuddling together we think this guy really digs us. In our heads we start to envision the monogrammed robes. I mean, he’s buying us an egg white omelet! He’s watching rom coms with us, for crying out loud! We believe that the more time we spend with a guy, the better sex we have, the better chance there is that he’ll fall in love with us.
Here’s men’s secret and our problem: guys initially want the girlfriend experience but not the girlfriend.
My mom’s term for this: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Meaning, if he knows he can have you whenever he wants you, he won’t need to commit to you or make you a priority. He’s getting a temporary girlfriend, if you want something more, you’re getting the raw end of the deal.
Here’s men’s secret and our problem: guys initially want the girlfriend experience but not the girlfriend.
Out of all the other girls my boyfriend was dating at the time I might have been the best option, yet he wouldn’t have realized that if I was so attainable. While the other girls he dated chose to be ‘there for him’ – spending entire weekends together, buying him gifts, trying out weird sex suggestions, cooking him four course dinners, kneading his back till their hands were raw – I demonstrated that he needed to earn my affection before I’d even think of committing my feelings and time to him and only him. Sure, I liked him just as much as 4-Course Dinner and Raw Hands did, but I saw the situation for what it was and challenged him: if he wanted me, he’d have to offer me a better deal.
Don’t reward a guy’s lazy efforts with home cooked spaghetti, blow jobs, back rubs or J. Crew sweaters! Bending over backwards before he’s given you commitment shows him just how much you have invested. Since he knows how much you like him, he becomes the one calling the shots. He decides when he wants to see you.
You don’t create the impression in a man’s mind that you are a desirable catch after you sleep with him, it happens before. Use scarcity to gain leverage. Initially, don’t make yourself too available. If a guy is interested in you, he’ll find a way to integrate himself into your life. If he can’t have you whenever he wants you, he’ll make seeing you a bigger priority.
Avoid becoming too attached to any one man too soon. He needs to put in time and effort to impress you and earn your affections. Nothing is more prized to a man than a woman he has to work for and wait for and struggle a little bit to get.
Avoid becoming too attached to any one man too soon. He needs to put in time and effort to impress you and earn your affections.
Men don’t commit to the woman who does everything for him. Or the one who sticks him up on a pedestal. He keeps seeing the one who’s interesting and remains exciting. The one who constantly surprises him. He chooses to commit to the woman who’s his equal, his partner in crime, the girl who will share the adventure with him.
The one who doesn’t make him feel like he’s ‘settling down’ at all. The girl who makes him feel ‘lucky.’ Like he convinced her to date him.
The is only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve put out a whole book called Real Men In which teaches the ins and outs of the 3L Method to attracting and keeping the men you want. In my book I’ll let you in on several secrets to set yourself apart, increase attraction to get the men you want to ask you out, and market yourself as what I call “The Most Interesting Woman in the Room”. You’ll learn approach, conversation and flirting techniques that will magnetize men to you. I’ll go in depth on how to follow up to keep men chasing and obsessing over you. Each month my newsletters are crammed full of exercises that will get you out meeting the men you want to meet, boost your self confidence, and arm you with plenty of conversation ammunition that will have men hanging on your every word.
